


a dream is a wish your heart makes

by bluebacchus



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Disney World & Disneyland, First Dates, Fluff, Goofy will never be the same again, Multi, No Apocalypse (Umbrella Academy), Overprotective Siblings, Pen Pals, diego wears his leather suit in the california sun, poor theme park etiquette, siblings interfering with first date
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-05-19 16:36:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19360684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluebacchus/pseuds/bluebacchus
Summary: “But I’m going to Disneyland!” Klaus exclaimed, throwing an arm around Diego’s shoulders.“No, you’re going to get murdered by your weird prison friend,” Diego said.“You seem to be getting it mixed up again, brother dear. I’m the weird prison friend. He’s just a nice, normal guy with a real job and a house.”“Or so he says,” Ben mumbled....Klaus goes to Disneyland to meet his pen pal, Ben and Diego are the best brothers ever (they're not), and Dave puts up with it all for love. (The pen pal/overprotective brothers AU that became the Disneyland AU every fandom deserves)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The incest debate exhausts me but I suppose I should mention that Ben does make a joke about it to prove a point and there's a solid amount of brotherly cuddling because I had to fit three grown men on a double bed. 
> 
> It's all platonic (or not; I don't mind if you want to read it that way. Interpretation is a joy of reading!).

There is a moment in the day, between the hours of eight and nine in the morning, when the quiet idyll of the mansion suddenly explodes into a cacophony of yelling, hollering, fighting, pushing, pulling, scrapping, and general argument until a victor emerges from the fray, a single white envelope held above his head in victory.

Klaus was hoping he could avoid that today. He’d woken up at the crack of dawn and set up a lawn chair in front of the fence, making sure he was obscured from all windows by the posts that stood on either side of the gate. He was waiting for a letter, and he was going to get it. Diego and Ben could go fuck themselves if they thought they could intercept the most important letter of Klaus’s life.

The letters had been coming for five years, ever since the last time he was in prison. He signed up for a prison pen pal program out of pure boredom. With his luck, he thought he’d probably end up writing to some religious nutjob hoping to give him advice to get his life back on track. But no, he sent out his first letter containing only a brief introduction, a bent up King of Hearts card that he had used to cut a line of cocaine the day before last, and a little drawing of Donald Duck escaping prison by tying a bunch of balloons to his beak, drawn with eyeliner on a paper towel. It was pretty good, if he did say so himself.

To his surprise, he received a letter back. It was, apparently, from a guy named Dave, a twenty eight year old teacher from California. He taught middle school English and made all of his students practice writing letters by enrolling them in a pen pal program. They, being middle school students, all protested together and refused to write a single letter until Mr. Katz also got a pen pal and became subject to the same torture that they were forced to endure. He also enclosed a short story narrating Donald Duck’s wild escape, and closed with a note saying he hoped to hear back soon.

Five years later, Klaus was clean, sober, and approaching thirty. He’d had steady work for over a year, working part-time as an assistant at Ben’s library and filling in for the unreliable secretary at Diego’s precinct. Klaus wasn’t overly keen on either, but he knew that if he quit his brothers would descend upon him like a pair of angry hens. It was nice to know they cared, but they could be a bit overbearing.

Case in point: Dave. When Klaus moved back into the mansion after old Reggie died last year, hoping to divest the house of some of its heirlooms (and with it, bad memories, or so his therapist hoped), he was met at the front door by Diego and Ben, each with a massive suitcase and wearing twin massive, scary smiles.

It started off well. Three brothers, all around the same age, living it up in a mansion in upstate New York. Living it up meant mostly Netflix, popcorn and orange juice these days, but Klaus didn’t mind. Especially not when every other week he received a letter from Dave.

The letters had become a source of friction between Klaus and Ben and Diego about a year ago when they were trapped inside, staring out at the rain that pounded against the windows.

“Dave says it never rains in SoCal,” Klaus said without thinking.

“Who?” Ben asked, looking up from his novel.

“Oh, Dave. My pen pal.”

“You have a pen pal?” Diego asked, eyes narrowing.

“What? Everyone had a pen pal as a kid.”

“Where did you find a pen pal?” Diego asked. Klaus could see the cogs in his brain start turning. He had on what Klaus called his “murder face”. (It was for solving murders, not committing them.)

“Prison.”

Ben dropped his book. “You have a prison boyfriend?”

Klaus laughed. “No, _I_ was in prison. He’s a middle school teacher from California.”

“Or so he says,” Diego said.

“He’s pretty convincing. We write every week!”

Diego spit out his orange juice. “You what!?”

“We write letters. You know, pen pals? That’s what pen pals do.”

“Has he asked you for money? Sex? Drugs? Nudes?” Ben started ticking things off his fingers.

“No!” Klaus exclaimed, rubbing his temples. “We just talk about stuff.”

“You haven’t given him our address, have you?” Diego still had his murder face on. Klaus was beginning to think that maybe it wasn’t just for solving murders.

“Jesus, Diego, lay off! Just… be proud of me for keeping a friend for four years, alright?”

Ben and Diego exchanged a look of horror. “Four years!?”

After that, Klaus had been forced to hide his letters like a teenager, building fake backs in his drawers and slipping them in behind the vent. Ben had got a hold of one once and had managed to read most of it before Klaus tackled him from behind to get it back.

He eavesdropped on Ben and Diego talking later that night.

“He was _flirting_ , Diego. I swear.”

“Flirting. With Klaus. Who he met through a prison pen pal exchange? He has to be up to something.”

“Maybe he found out about his inheritance?” Ben suggested. Klaus rolled his eyes. He hadn’t even known that he _had_ an inheritance when he met Dave. His brothers were way too overprotective.

“With all the shit he’s been through, he’s easy to take advantage of! Someone shows him kindness and he latches on and thinks he’s in love! Remember the time he thought he was in love with Agnes because she gave him a free donut?”

Klaus snorted and left his spot on the landing for the safety and quiet of his bedroom. Sure, maybe he got a bit carried away with the flowers, but Agnes definitely had the hots for him.

Since then, he’d had to fight his way to the mail slot every second Tuesday when he could always count on a letter from Dave, clawing at Ben and Diego who tried to gang up on him and read the letter first to “make sure it was safe” for him. Two weeks ago, he slept by the mail slot, and he was glad he did when he opened Dave’s letter.

He had flirted outrageously in his last letter, and Dave had responded in kind.

_I wouldn’t mind you showing me around New York sometime. Central Park, Times Square, Your Bedroom… I think I’d only want to see them if I was with you, though. Sometimes I walk around my neighbourhood and I think about all the things I’d like to show you or the places I’d like to take you._

Klaus hugged himself and giggled like a tween. Dave was so sweet. How could Diego and Ben ever think he had some sort of malicious intent? He was so enamoured by Dave’s words that he almost missed the postscript.

_Hey, your birthday is coming up, right? What do you want for the big 3-0?_

Klaus hadn’t hesitated and immediately began writing back, fingers itching in anticipation of answering the question.

_I’d like a swimming pool, or a pair of Gucci sneakers. Or a pony. A pony would be nice. Nah, I’m kidding. What I really, really want is to finally meet you. I’ve been pouring my heart and soul out to you for five years and I don’t even know what you look like. Pretty crazy, huh? I think I’d like to go to California, but you can come to New York and stay with me and my brothers (then I could show you around my bedroom- the bed in particular comes highly recommended)._

Without reading it over, Klaus folded it up, slid it into an envelope, and stuffed it down the front of his pants, hoping he could make it out of the house in time for the morning post.

 

* * *

 

The mailman was having a pretty good day. He hadn’t been chased by the crazy poodle at Mrs. Lacroix’s house, he dropped off an obviously dildo-shaped package for old Mr. Holmes, and, as he turned the corner to the street with the Hargreeves mansion, he noticed that he had a letter for Mr. Klaus Hargreeves. He liked to ring the doorbell to deliver the letters with the handwritten address and the California stamps. It was always entertaining to watch the three dudes in the house fight each other for the letter. He, of course, favoured the actual recipient and usually held it a little bit looser between his fingers when one of Klaus’s gangly arms reached out for it. He’d also been smuggling his return letters out of the house ever since the one time Ben hid inside the community mailbox to intercept Klaus’s letter.

When he drew nearer to the mansion, he noticed Klaus staring at him. He was sitting in a lawn chair with a book, a flashlight, and a box of Mini Wheats.

“Have you been there all night?” the mailman asked.

Klaus didn’t answer, but his eyes grew feral. Time seemed to stop, and the mailman felt a storm coming. Klaus suddenly charged him, sprinting towards him and taking him down in one giant leap.

“Where is it!?” he cried, sounding awfully similar to Batman when he asked where the trigger was.

“It’s right here!” he answered, terrified. He handed over the envelope. As soon as it started, it was over, and Klaus stood, offering him a hand up.

“Thanks!” he said, and walked down the street towards the donut shop. The mailman scratched his head, wondering what the hell had just happened.

 

* * *

 

“Agnes!” Klaus burst through the door and sat down at the counter. Agnes emerged from the back carrying a fresh pot of coffee.

“Good morning,” she said politely. “Did you get another one?”

Klaus threw the envelope down on the counter proudly. “This is it. This is the reply.” She set him up with a cup of coffee and a sprinkle donut.

Taking a deep breath, Klaus slid a finger under the seal and tore the envelope open.

The first thing he saw was a birthday card. Slightly disappointed, he pulled it out. It was a simple card that looked more like a Valentine. An enraged Donald Duck graced the front, along with the words “You Make Me Quackers”. Klaus opened the card, and a letter fell into his lap, along with another small envelope.

_Klaus,_

_I’ve been wanting to meet you for years. I hope it’s not too bold to presume that you’re not busy and are willing to come out to California, but I thought it would be fitting somehow, considering we spent the first two years of our ~~relationship~~ friendship drawing and writing the story of Donald Duck’s Prison Break. _

_Yours,_

_Dave_

The smaller envelope had a plane ticket from New York to L.A. and a day pass to Disneyland.

Klaus screamed.

 

* * *

 

“I’m going to Disneyland,” Klaus told the security woman at the airport.

“I’m going to Disneyland!” he informed the barista at the coffee shop at the gate.

“I’m going to Disneyland!” he shouted at the flight attendant, who high fived him and pointed him to his seat.

“I’ve never been to Disneyland before,” he told the man sitting behind him, pushing his newspaper down so he could look him straight in the eye.

“Shut up,” Diego grumbled from the aisle seat. Ben flanked Klaus’s other side in the window seat. He already had a book pulled out. Klaus noticed with irritation that it was _Kidnapped._

“But I’m going to _Disneyland!_ ” Klaus exclaimed, throwing an arm around Diego’s shoulders.

“No, you’re going to get _murdered_ by your weird prison friend,” Diego said.

“You seem to be getting it mixed up again, brother dear. _I’m_ the weird prison friend. He’s just a nice, normal guy with a real job and a house.”

“Or so he says,” Ben mumbled.

“Did he tell you to bring extra lotion?” Diego asked.

“I hope he doesn’t have a basket he wants you to put it in,” Ben added.

“Or maybe he wants to fatten you up?”

Klaus looked down at his chest. He definitely wasn’t robust enough to eat.

“He’s probably a cannibal,” Ben said, waving his book in front of Klaus’s face.

“Or at least a foot fetishist.” Diego wiggled his boots under the seat.

“He’s probably at least twenty years older than what he claims.”

“And morbidly obese with no personal hygiene.”

“And incredibly ugly.”

“Yeah, and he doesn’t even know what hair conditioner is.”

“Stop!” Klaus clamped his hands over his ears. “Is it really so hard for you guys to wrap your heads around the idea that someone might actually like me?”

Ben and Diego had the decency to look ashamed.

“We didn’t mean it like that, bro.” Diego handed him his tiny bag of pretzels as an apology.

“We’re just worried about you.” Ben pulled a bag of sour candy out of his backpack and offered it to Klaus.

“You guys realize I’m almost 30, right? And that I’ve lived on and off the streets for ten years and been to prison twice?”

“And that’s why we need to look out for you.” Diego ruffled Klaus’s hair.

“Thanks, Di. And thanks, Ben. It’s nice to know you guys have my back.” Klaus paused for a moment as the seatbelt light clicked off. “I still don’t know why you feel the need to fly across the country to supervise my first date _in public_ with a guy I’ve been talking to for five years.”

 

* * *

 

When Klaus was excited, he babbled. When Klaus was nervous, he was silent. The cab ride from LAX to Orange County started off a livewire of conversation, but as they drew closer and closer to the address that Klaus had written down in his neatest writing, Klaus had begun to clam up.

“You nervous?” Diego asked.

Klaus nodded. “I’ve known him so long but I don’t know what to expect.”

Ben rubbed the shoulder closest to him. “It’s just important to prepare for disappointment. He might not be what you think he is.”

Klaus looked absolutely crestfallen at the thought. He’d built this image of Dave in his mind, convinced that this was his soul mate. He was the only friend Klaus really, truly had, and he was there for him during the hardest times of his life. Times when, he noted, his brothers were absent. He wrote to Dave from prison, and from rehab, and from Narcotics Anonymous. He wrote to Dave from his shitty apartment with the leaky taps, and he wrote to Dave from the Hargreeves mansion. He wrote to Dave when he was happy or sad or stressed or, on one occasion, bordering on suicidal. As Klaus poured out his heart into the letter, explaining his problems with addiction and dependence and loneliness, he knew he wouldn’t do anything to hurt himself until he heard back from Dave.

And Dave had written back. He told Klaus about his own struggles with PTSD and recovering from injuries, about his own family problems, and about how he found that writing to Klaus made his life make a little bit more sense.

Klaus thought about this as the cab turned into a residential neighbourhood. Who cares if Dave was ugly? Who cares if he has a weird thing about feet, or had terrible hair. He would still be the Dave that supported him and cared about him and wrote him letters every second week without fail.

The cab pulled up to a little white house with a terracotta sun hanging over the door. Klaus double checked the address. They were here.

“If you want to go to a hotel instead-“ Klaus cut Ben off by jumping out of the cab and leaving his brothers to pay the taxi driver. He didn’t have much time until they figured out what he was going to do and caught up with him. Klaus speed walked up to the front door and, without pausing to entertain the anxiety that had plagued him during the drive over, he rang the doorbell.

 

* * *

 

In the minute he had while Diego and Ben were arguing over who pays and how much of a tip to leave, Klaus discovered three things.

One, Dave was _gorgeous._ His brown hair was streaked with gold in the sunlight where it curled lazily over his head. He had the most amazing clear blue eyes that Klaus couldn’t wait to get lost in, and it was obvious by the pull of his t-shirt over his chest that he was in incredible shape.

No, fuck that. Dave wasn’t just gorgeous, he was _hot._

Two, Dave had told the truth about everything. His descriptions of himself and his house were spot on, down to the line of ants that marched into the little garden next to the front door. Klaus could see past him into his house where he had a university diploma framed in the entrance hall. He had an Education degree, just like he said.

And three, Dave was standing there, speechless and blushing, just like Klaus was.

“Wow,” Dave said.

“Yeah. Wow,” Klaus agreed, before instinct took over and he pulled Dave into a tight hug.

“It’s so nice to finally see you,” Dave murmured into his ear.

Klaus let his lips catch on the skin of Dave’s cheek when, without thinking, he said, “You’re way sexier than what I imagined.”

Dave laughed and tightened his hold around Klaus’s waist. “So are you. You’re beautiful. I’m so glad you’re here.”

Before Klaus could respond, a sharp grating sound penetrated the air and they pulled apart. Diego had picked up a rock from Dave’s garden and was sharpening a knife on it.

“Hi, I’m Klaus’s brother. I’m a cop. I know thirty different ways to kill a man.”

Dave looked confused.

“And I’m Klaus’s other brother. I’m a librarian, so I know everything.”

Klaus hung his head. “I’m so sorry, Dave. They wouldn’t let me go alone and they’re totally crazy but they’re my family so I guess I have to love them- just kidding Ben, I do love you, I swear- and they have good intentions?” Klaus didn’t meant to question their intentions, but his subconscious clearly did. Dave, however, took it like a champ.

“Okay,” he said. “I only have the one spare bed though.”

“Ohohoho no,” Diego said. “You aren’t getting our brother into bed on the first date.”

Dave took a step away from Klaus. “That’s what I meant. I only have one spare bed and I’ve already promised it to Klaus.”

Diego and Ben pushed their way into Dave’s house, frogmarching Klaus inside in front of them. “Nice save, creep,” Diego whispered as he passed Dave.

Dave stood outside on the porch for a minute before following them inside. The things he did for love.

 

* * *

 

“I, uh, didn’t know you two were coming so I only marinated enough steak for two,” Dave said. He led them through his home out to the patio where he had a table set up for two under a big yellow umbrella. There was a small pool in the backyard that was sprinkled with far too many flower petals not to be deliberate.

“Look at that,” Ben whispered loudly to Diego, pointing at the pool. “Is he going to make Klaus go for a swim and then take the ladder out of the pool?”

“I’m not a Sim, Ben,” Klaus snapped, then turned his attention to Dave. Changing his tone completely, he asked, “Did you do all this for me?”

Dave blushed and nodded.

“What if I turned out to be ugly?”

“You’d still be Klaus,” he said. “It’s just an added bonus that you’re incredibly pretty.”

Diego slid in between them, squaring up with Dave. “What else did you prepare, huh? You clean up your torture chamber? Dig a well? Poison the food?”

“What?” Dave looked pleadingly at Klaus. Klaus grabbed Diego by the arm and led him over to the corner of the deck where there was a tiny table with two tiny chairs.

“You and Ben can sit at the kids table until you promise to behave yourselves.” Diego sat down heavily. The chair was so short that his knees were almost up to his ears.

“My nephews visit a lot,” Dave explained. “I don’t have a secret wife and kids or anything, I promise.”

Klaus sat down at the table set for two beneath the umbrella. “I believe you.”

Dinner was amazing. Diego and Ben took turns between glaring and loudly suggesting different methods Dave could use to murder their brother, but Klaus was able to tune them out by hyperfixating on Dave’s face. The shouting coming from the kids’ table prevented any serious conversation, but they held hands across the table and it made Klaus’s knees feel fuzzy.

“I was thinking we could watch a movie before bed? In separate beds!” he added loudly enough to drown out Diego and Ben’s shouts of disapproval.

 

* * *

 

Diego sat right in the middle of the couch. Klaus gave him a look that screamed ‘are you serious?’ and folded himself into the corner of the sofa. There was still room between them for Dave to sit down, but only if he sat incredibly close to Klaus. Too close, Ben clearly thought, because he vaulted over the back of the couch and landed half in Klaus’s lap. He didn’t move. Dave, entering the room with two bowls of popcorn, couldn’t hide the look of disappointment on his face. Diego smirked in silent victory. Dave shrugged, and sat down on the empty side of the couch, passing a bowl of popcorn over to Diego.

“Ready?” Dave asked, looking specifically only at Klaus.

Klaus nodded, looking at Dave like he had invented cinema. Within the first twenty seconds, Klaus gasped.

“You remembered!”

“Remembered what?” Diego asked gruffly.

“That Cinderella is my favourite Disney movie!”

“Why?” asked Ben. He was quite clearly a Beauty and the Beast guy.

Dave answered the question, drawing two piercing glares and a big soppy grin. “The way she overcomes two overbearing siblings and an abusive parent who all want to prevent her from finding true love is so inspiring,” Dave said. “And when she finally meets her true love, nothing can keep them apart.”

Klaus swooned from his seat on the couch. His man was so passive aggressive.

Diego didn’t see it that way.

“How can she be in love with someone she just met? That’s not how healthy relationships work.”

“Oh, you would know, brother. Why did your lady cop dump you last time? Do tell the rest of us,” Klaus reached an arm over the back of the couch while his brothers were distracted.

“Hey, we’re just going through a rough patch. She’ll come around,” Diego said with a glare.

“He did a backflip and contaminated her crime scene,” Ben said.

Diego punched Ben in the arm. “I thought you were on my side!”

Rubbing his arm, Ben said, “I am!” at the same time Dave asked “Sides for what?”

While Diego and Ben sputtered for an answer, Dave reached his arm over the couch, stretching it as far as it would go. His fingertips grazed Klaus’s, just barely. Loathe to give them away, Dave smiled into his lap, but out of the corner of his eye he saw Klaus do the same.

 

* * *

 

He was really, _really_ hoping that his brothers would be satisfied with Ben sleeping on the couch and Diego on the floor. But no, instead, Klaus found himself trapped on his back in Dave’s spare bed, with Ben lying half on top of him and Diego holding onto his arm like one of those little purple plastic monkeys that kids these days loved wearing around their fingers. It was time to take drastic measures. It wasn’t a skill he was proud of, but Klaus was really good at sneaking out of bed. First he rolled over, dislodging Ben who grumbled and shifted but stayed asleep. He started to dislodge Diego’s fingers, one by one, until his hands were clear of his skinny arm. He would have bruises from how tight Diego was holding. In a stroke of genius, Klaus wrapped Diego’s hand around Ben’s forearm, hoping it would feel similar. He wiggled down the bed between them and when his feet touched the floor, he was free.

Almost.

“Where you going?” Diego mumbled.

Klaus said the first thing that came to mind. “Gotta poop!”

Diego groaned and rolled over into the warm spot Klaus left behind. Finally free and out in the hallway, Klaus wandered over to the bathroom and turned the light on. He waited in the bathroom long enough for Diego to fall back asleep, then crept down the hall towards Dave’s room.

Dave slept in complete and utter darkness, Klaus discovered when he opened the door just wide enough to slip inside.

“Hey,” he whispered. “It’s me.”

Klaus could hear the rustling of sheets as Dave shifted and sat up in his bed.

“Hey.” Klaus could hear the smile in Dave’s voice. “D’you need the light?”

Klaus really did need the light to find his way across the abyss of darkness, but the strip of light under Dave’s bedroom door might be enough to alert his brothers that he was missing. Instead, he shuffled his bare feet across the carpet until he hit the edge of the bed. He climbed in, crawling over Dave in a barrage of knees and elbows and quiet _ouch_ es until he achieved a satisfactory horizontal position.

Klaus snuggled up behind Dave, spooning him with an arm looped around his hips and his nose buried in the nape of Dave’s neck. “I’m so sorry about my brothers. I wanted it to be just the two of us.”

Dave pushed himself back against Klaus until they were flush against each other, skin touching clothes touching clothes touching skin. He trailed a hand up and down Klaus’s arm. “Why don’t they trust you?”

He couldn’t hear it, but he could feel the laugh against the back of his neck. “Everything I told you about myself is true. Every nasty, lurid detail. I was a junkie, a criminal, I lived on the streets, I went home with anyone who’d give me a place to sleep for the night…”

“And?” Dave asked. He sounded frustrated.

“And what?”

“What about deciding to get clean? What about checking into rehab? Or going to therapy? Or going from the streets to prison to your own place with permanent employment in less than five years? You did that all by yourself.”

“Well,” Klaus kissed the back of Dave’s neck. “Not _all_ by myself.”

Dave twisted around in Klaus’s arms until they were lying face to face under the blankets.

“You know that I didn’t ask you over for a cross-country booty call, right?”

“I’d totally be worth travelling across the country for though, right?”

“Of course! I mean, I didn’t really want to get my hopes up, but after meeting you… I’m hoping this could be the start of something that… lasts.”

“Tell that to Ben and Diego and maybe they’ll leave us alone for five minutes.” Klaus brushed their noses together. “I’d like that, though. I’d like that a lot.”

“I just… I can’t believe you’re real.”

“Me too,” Klaus said. “Sometimes I wondered if you were just a blank slate I was using to project my perfect partner onto.”

“Am I?”

“Not even close.” Klaus lifted a hand, cupping Dave’s cheek. “I’d like to kiss you right now.”

“I was hoping our first kiss would be a little bit more romantic,” but Dave slid an arm around Klaus’s waist and stroked his fingers up his spine.

“Considering the difficulties we’re going to face tomorrow vis-a-vis my brothers, what if we kissed now but didn’t count it until _after_ the romantic Cinderella moment?”

Dave must have agreed with his logical process, because he leaned in and pressed their lips together. It was so dark that Klaus couldn’t see Dave’s face when he rubbed a thumb over his cheekbone or when his other hand pressed against his chest, rubbing his pecs through the thin fabric of his t-shirt. Without sight, Klaus could feel his sense of touch heighten. He could feel every detail on the surface of Dave’s lips, soft and gentle against his own. The hand tracing his spine made him shiver. He arched into the touch, desperately trying to push himself closer. 

A giant bang startled them both and, looking up, they were both blinded by light from the hallway as the door came off its hinges and fell to the floor with a giant thump.

“Get your hands off my brother, pervert,” Diego said angrily. He was surprisingly menacing in a faded Guns’N’Roses t-shirt and a pair of striped boxers.

“Diego, leave him alone,” Klaus moaned, exasperated. “It was me. I’m the pervert here, not him.”

“I know you’re trying to take advantage of Klaus,” Diego continued, ignoring Klaus’s squawks of protest. Ben was ducked behind him, holding what looked like a spray bottle.

“Why don’t you trust him to make his own decisions?”

“Because! We leave him alone to go take a dump and he ends up in bed with a stranger!” Ben sprayed a mist of water into the air like a warning shot.

“I wouldn’t be in bed with him if you let us spend time together earlier!”

“Talking is a gateway to fucking,” Ben said wisely.

“It’s really not.”

“Is too.”

“Is not.”

“We’re talking right now. Do you wanna fuck me?”

“What if I said I do?”

“Ben!”

“I’m just saying, it’s a gateway.”

“No it’s not!”

By this time, Diego had grabbed Klaus’s ankles and was dragging him forcefully out of Dave’s bed. “I’m sorry Davey!” Klaus called as he hit the floor like a sack of potatoes. “I’ll see you in the morning!” Ben hit him with a mist of water from the spray bottle.

“Good night!” Dave called, but the lights were already out and the door to the guest room slammed shut. He sighed. He didn’t know why the bedroom door had to be kicked off its hinges. It didn’t even have a lock.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dearest readers, I love each and every one of you. 
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to the security guard who had to deal with Diego.

Smothered beneath the peacefully sleeping bodies of his brothers, Klaus did not sleep a wink. He was going to be exhausted by the end of the day tomorrow, but he didn’t mind. Staring up into the darkness of the guest bedroom for hours allowed him to construct the perfect plan. A plan which would now have to include a lot of coffee.

His plan was put into action when Ben and Diego woke and he could hear the tap running in Dave’s en suite bathroom.

“We need to talk,” Klaus said. “Look, it’s pretty clear to see that Dave is-“

“Up to something,” Diego said.

“A deranged pervert,” Ben said at the same time.

Klaus sighed. “A perfect gentleman,” he said, ignoring the snorts of disbelief from his brothers. This wasn’t going well. “So can you two please leave us alone today? We’ll be in a nice public place the whole time so you can rest assured there won’t be any murder or general untowards activity.”

“Fine,” Diego said. “But you have to promise us you won’t touch him. Or let him touch you.”

Klaus groaned. “Seriously? Can I kiss him?”

“Absolutely not,” Ben said. “He can give you oral herpes.”

“I’ve seen herpes before, Ben. I’ve _had_ herpes before. He doesn’t have them.”

Ben gave him a pointed look. “Fine!” Klaus threw his hands up in frustration. “I demand hand holding as a consolation.”

Diego looked at Ben for wisdom.

“Well,” he thought for a minute. “If you hold a frog with fertilizer on your hands it absorbs the moisture from your skin and you poison the frog.”

Klaus looked from Ben to Diego. “I’m not a frog,” he said.

Diego shrugged, admitting defeat.

“Hand holding is allowed,” Ben conceded.

 

* * *

 

An awkward breakfast was only avoided because they were running late. Klaus was taking full advantage of the hand-holding concession and was walking down the sidewalk hand-in-hand with Dave, leaning close and chatting animatedly about Disneyland.

“I’d really like to meet Cinderella,” Klaus chattered, “and then go on all the rollercoasters because I love them and then maybe go and get churros? And we have to stay for the fireworks, obviously.”

Dave, caught up in the excitement painted over Klaus’s face, stumbled over a crack in the sidewalk and nearly crashed head-first into a palm tree. He smiled sheepishly but wasn’t deterred from keeping pace with Klaus. “Mr. Toad is my favourite ride so we have to go on that, and I love Donald Duck but Goofy has always freaked me out a little bit, so maybe we can stay away from him…”

Diego and Ben trailed a couple feet behind, quietly exchanging information about their plan of attack.

“Look at how tight his shirt is. He’s probably in some kind of gang,” Ben whispered.

“Do their outfits look familiar to you?” Diego asked. He was genuinely confused about why Dave’s white button up, red pants and gold belt were throwing him off. Maybe it was because Klaus was dressed up in a blue skirt and some sort of blue shirt covered in glitter.

“They look like Cinderella and Prince Charming,” Ben whispered back.

“Was it on purpose?”

“I think so,” Ben said. “It’s apparently a thing people do since you’re not allowed to wear costumes in the park.”

“I don’t like it,” Diego said. Ben snorted. He wasn’t one to talk. Diego was wearing his leather suit again. Ben had reminded him that they were in California and it was going to get hot, but he just gestured to the cloudy sky and proceeded in peeling the fabric up over his legs while Ben continued researching secret ways to get around Disneyland, just in case.

 

* * *

 

The security guard was getting flustered. Diego could tell, because he had seen that look on the face of everyone he was about to pull a confession out of. It was the face of someone trapped, backed into a corner.

“Why can’t I have my knives,” Diego said, looming over the exasperated employee.

“Because, sir, it’s a children’s theme park.”

“That’s no reason. What if there’s an attack?”

“Well, there won’t be, sir. We don’t allow any weapons in the parks.”

“These knives are a part of me, kid.”

“I’m afraid it’s a part of you that can’t pass this point, sir.”

Diego glared daggers at the security guard.

“Look man, I’m just an eighteen year old Disneyland employee. I just want to get promoted and work in Space Mountain, y’know? Please don’t make this a big deal.”

Ben gestured towards the esplanade where Klaus and Dave were glancing furtively behind them as they sprinted away towards the gates of Disneyland.

“Come on, Diego! They’re getting away!”

Diego growled. “Fine!” he yelled, removing the knives from their holsters and placing them in a bin marked ‘Knife Man’.

“Thank you sir! You can pick them up at the end of the day at the lost and found. Have a magical day!” The security guard immediately resumed her false cheerfulness and offered a helpful two fingered point towards the Disneyland gates.

Clearing security, Ben and Diego looked around for any sign of their brother and his mysterious suitor.

“He’s not going to respect our bargain, is he?” Ben asked Diego.

“Not for a second.”

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

Diego smirked in a way that he was sure resembled that of an anime anti-hero. “We spy on them and make sure that this Dave guy doesn’t try anything?”

“Exactly.”

 

* * *

 

TIME: 09:00 HOURS

LOCATION: MAIN STREET USA, DISNEYLAND ENTRANCE

The cheerful music and clean streets created a sense of peace that overwhelmed the stampede of Disneyland guests, slowing them down enough to high five the cast members waving at them with Mickey-gloved hands.

Dave was beaming when Klaus finally pulled his eyes away from the castle that lay straight ahead to look at him.

“Thanks,” he said.

“For what?” Dave asked, throwing an arm around Klaus’s shoulders and steering him around a procession of Rascal scooters zooming down the walkway.

Klaus shrugged. “For liking me?”

Dave drew him in closer. “You don’t have to thank me for that. I couldn’t _not_ like you if I tried. Now come on, we can’t have a real Disneyland date experience without matching ears.”

They ducked into a little shop on their right called The Mad Hatter. Despite the early hour, it was already teeming with customers. Klaus was drawn immediately towards the wall of sparkly Minnie Mouse ear headbands.

“What do you think, Davey? Which pair would make you weak to my charming good looks?”

Dave tapped his lip, considering his options. “I think the gold ones would make your eyes look stunning,” he said finally. Klaus hadn’t expected such a valid answer.

“Then you need something blue! We have to be the couple with the best ear-eye coordination in the entire place!” Dave reached over a grumpy child and grabbed a pair of Mickey Mouse ears in a light blue.

“Good?”

“Beautiful,” Klaus said, leaning in and kissing the tip of Dave’s nose. Suddenly, a rack of hats collapsed to the ground, taking Klaus with it. From the ground, he could see a pair of yellow Converse shoes turn and speed walk towards the door. He knew those shoes. Hell, he had stolen those shoes just last week when his outfit needed a pop of colour.

“Ben,” Klaus hissed as Dave and a cheerful employee pulled the rack of hats off him.

 

TIME: 09:30 HRS

LOCATION: FANTASYLAND, THE ROYAL HALL

Klaus towered over the rest of the queue by at least a foot. It wasn’t because he was particularly tall, but rather because the rest of the people lined up were children. But Dave had promised he would get to meet Cinderella, and meet Cinderella they would.

When Klaus approached the princess, her eyes grew wide and she broke character for a second.

“I LOVE your outfit!” she exclaimed, looking Klaus up and down with reverence.

“Um, look at you, you absolute babe,” he countered. “I love your work, Cinderella. Truly inspiring.”

“Thanks, prince…princess?”

“I’ll take princess. That’s my boyfriend. His name is Dave. Isn’t he cute!?” Dave waved.

Cinderella giggled and covered her mouth with a gloved hand. “You guys are adorable!”

Klaus and Cinderella posed for a picture which Dave was more than happy to snap. He showed it to Klaus.

“While I appreciate your dedication to flattering me, you do have to make sure we’re both in focus.” Dave looked down at the screen and blushed. Klaus looked amazing in the centre of the frame, but Cinderella was both out of focus and off centre.

“Sorry,” Dave bit his lip and lined up the camera for another shot.

Cinderella waved her hand through the air. “I think it’s sweet,” she said. “Hey, why don’t you come in the picture too? I’ll give my royal blessing to you or whatever.”

The picture ended up being considerably more chaotic than what the princess had suggested. Somehow, Klaus and Dave ended up on their knees while she pressed their cheeks together, looking incredibly pleased with herself. When Klaus saw it, he remarked, “that’s one for the Christmas cards,” and with a farewell to Cinderella, they went on their way.

“Cinderella ships us! Can you believe it?”

“Believe what?” Diego said, slipping in between the two of them. Their hands were still linked and banged against Diego’s leather-clad crotch.

“Cinderella thinks we’re a stunning couple,” Klaus said smugly.

“Yeah, well, she ran away with the first guy who gave her the time of day.”

“Also, Cinderella was incredibly hot and Dave was too busy looking at me to notice!”

Dave blushed again and hung his head in embarrassment.

Diego noticed. “What, my brother isn’t good enough for you, huh?”

“No, what Klaus said is true. I’m just… trying to play it cool but I can’t keep my eyes off him.”

Klaus elbowed Diego out of the way so he could snuggle up to Dave’s side as they entered the queue for another ride. Diego refused to be deterred that easily and followed them into the line where above them, park goers swivelled around sharp curves in caterpillar shaped carts.

“Oh, I love this one!” Ben exclaimed, coming out of nowhere to jump over the chain and elbow his way into line between Dave and Klaus. Angry mumblings followed him; they were at the front of the line. They boarded their caterpillars, Ben jumping into Klaus’s before anyone could protest and Diego sliding in close enough to Dave that he could easily sink a knife into his side, had they not all been confiscated. The caterpillars jolted into motion and moved into the darkness.

“Don’t think I won’t kill you,” Diego whispered to Dave as they passed the singing flowers.

“Aren’t you a cop?”

“Yeah. And I’m on to you.”

“Shouldn’t you _not_ threaten to murder people if you’re a police officer?”

Ahead of them, Ben and Klaus seemed to be having a conversation of their own, but they seemed to be communicating in a series of pinches to the arm and contorted facial expressions. By the time they hit the Unbirthday Party, Klaus was sulking in the caterpillar and Dave had been threatened with dismemberment and/or death twice more.

After the ride ended, the four of them stood in an awkward circle.

“It’s been a pleasure, brothers,” Klaus said with a wave of his goodbye hand. “But I think it’s time we parted ways. For the rest of the day.”

“Sure,” Ben said, winking obviously at Diego. Diego tried to wink back but just squinted with his mouth open.

“Oh God,” Klaus muttered. “I’m so sorry, Dave.”

Once Diego and Ben had disappeared into the crowd, Dave looped an arm around Klaus’s waist and pulled him in close. “Don’t worry about it. I have a surprise planned for us later.”

“Ooh!” Klaus sidled up closer to Dave’s side. “Is it a hot night of passionate sex?”

“Klaus! There’s children around!”

“Oh, kids these days know all about anal sex,” he exclaimed, just as a passing couple slammed their hands over their children’s ears and steered them away.

“I would never-“

“Presume that I’d put out on the first date? I will. I’m a slut,” Klaus said. “Reformed slut, I guess. But for you, I’ll gladly relapse.”

Dave choked back a laugh and ruffled Klaus’s hair fondly. “I made dinner reservations, that’s all.”

“What do you mean, ‘that’s all’? That’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me! Aside from that time Whatsername volunteered to dig out the cocaine baggies we swallowed when the cops came a-knockin’…”

“She sounds… dedicated?”

Klaus hummed, lost in the memory. He brightened up almost immediately and skipped down the walkway towards Toad Hall. “There’ll be plenty of time for you to out-romance digging through feces for drugs!”

Another group of children were scooped up and taken away towards the safer ground of It’s a Small World.

Klaus hopped the metal barrier and waited for Dave to weave through the empty queue. “You said this was your favourite, right?”

“Yeah!” Dave said. He sounded pleased that Klaus had remembered. “I was a weird kid. I loved Ichabod and Mr. Toad.”

“I never watched any Disney movies when I was a kid. Actually, I don’t think we watched any movies. We didn’t have a TV. Well, other than the surveillance screens but we didn’t know about those until after Dad died.”

“Your dad was messed up.”

“Tell me about it. Cinderella was the first one I saw. I think I was sixteen?”

They moved forward in the line. For once in his life, Dave didn’t want the line to end. Klaus talked a little bit about his childhood in his letters, but not like this. Dave could see the way it affected him despite his cheery babbling.

“I ran away from home for the first time and was crashing on the street and I thought, ‘why not?’ so I tried heroin for the first time and wow, what a bad idea _that_ was. I OD’d and woke up in the ICU at the children’s hospital downtown. No one recognized me and Dad would have killed me if he found out… no, worse- he wouldn’t have cared- so I called the house and asked for Ben and him and Diego came to get me.”

Dave nodded. Klaus’s relationship with his two brothers was making a lot more sense now. Klaus continued, taking Dave’s nod as an encouragement to keep going.

“Well, they showed up once I was moved out of the ICU and I was sitting in my hospital jammies with all the kids- sick kids, Dave, you have no idea. They were so sick but somehow so happy! Sometimes when they’d fall asleep they’d start to fade and look like ghosts so I’d shake them awake. But anyways, we were watching Cinderella and when my brothers showed up they couldn’t pry me away from the itty bitty TV screen. It was the Bibbity-Bobbity-Boo scene. I remember. I was so jealous. I wished I had a fairy godmother.”

He smiled into the distance. They’d reached the front of the line.

“Ready?”

Klaus nodded, and they boarded their motor car.

 

* * *

 

Klaus’s legs were shaking when they exited the ride.

“Hey, you okay?” Dave asked. He let Klaus cling to his arm for support as they walked back outside into the sun.

“The whole ‘Mr. Toad goes to hell’ thing hit a bit close to home, that’s all.”

“Let’s sit down for a bit.” Dave pulled Klaus towards a bench and sat him down next to a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. “I’ll be right back.”

Dave disappeared for a couple minutes, in which time Klaus had managed to make enough funny faces at the toddler that he had stopped crying and was laughing at the funny man making funny faces. Dave came back with a churro wrapped in a napkin and handed it to Klaus. “I figured you needed it.”

Klaus nodded happily and bit the end of the churro off. “Where’s yours?”

“Oh, I just got the one. I’m not hungry.”

“Dave, churros aren’t for hungry people. They’re for all people.”

Klaus unwrapped the sugary dough from the napkin and stuck one end in his mouth. He offered the other end to Dave.

“Lady and the Tramp?” he said through a mouthful of churro. Dave squeezed his eyes shut when he laughed and put the other end of the churro into his mouth. He and Klaus munched down the snack, still warm from the deep fryer until they were down to one bite between them. They faced off for a moment, each daring the other to make the next move. Dave surged forwards first, claiming both the last bite of churro and pressing his lips against Klaus’s. He could feel the coarse grain of cinnamon sugar against his lips.

“We should get another one,” Klaus murmured against Dave’s lips.

“You don’t need an excuse to kiss me, you know.”

A delighted yell came from behind them before Klaus could take advantage of his newfound permission.

“Uncle Klaus!” A little girl with curly hair was running up to him, hand in hand with her mother.

“Claire!? Allison?” Klaus stood to meet Claire’s hug. She clung to his waist.

“Let me climb the tree, Uncle Klaus!” Claire shouted. Klaus grabbed her hands and supported her as she walked up his torso.

“Ready to jump?”

Claire used Klaus’s chest as a springboard and, still holding her uncle’s hands, jumped to the ground. She stuck the landing like a champ and held out her arms for applause. Allison and Dave clapped.

“What are you guys doing here?” Klaus asked.

“We’re gonna meet Mickey!” Claire shouted. She threw her arms in the air and dislodged her pink sparkly mouse ears.

Klaus reached over to straighten them. Dave watched with awe. He never expected Klaus to be so good with kids and it was making his stomach do somersaults. If he had ovaries, they would freaking the fuck out right now. To distract himself and his lack of ovaries, he stood up, offering a hand to Allison.

“Dave,” he said. “Nice to meet you.”

“Allison. I’m Klaus’s sister.” She stated it with the same intensity that Diego used when he last threatened to maim him.

“Are you…”

“Allison Hargreeves? I am, but the sunglasses stay on for a reason. I don’t need the press ruining my day out with my daughter.”

Dave was stunned into silence for a moment. He hadn’t even made the connection that Klaus’s sister was the famous movie star.

“No, I was just… are you in on it? The grand scheme to ruin our date?”

“What?”

“Um…”

Thankfully, Klaus intervened before Dave could make himself sound like a jerk. “Ben and Diego tagged along and have been following us all morning trying to ruin our date.”

Allison raised her eyebrows. “Really.”

Klaus and Dave nodded.

“Do they not realize how revolutionary it is that _you_ are on a date? A real date? With a cute guy?”

Dave blushed. Klaus beamed and grabbed Dave’s hand. “He is cute, isn’t he!”

Claire tugged at Allison’s hand. “Mommy, I’m hungry. Can we get waffles?”

Allison looked down at Claire and shrugged. “You guys want to join us for waffles?”

 

* * *

 

They’d gone back to Main Street after Klaus claimed to have seen a flash of leather bodysuit in the crowd. It was a packed restaurant, but Allison got them a table in the back.

“So,” she started, plates of waffles covering the table, “how did you two meet?”

“Prison,” Klaus said.

Allison choked on a bit of waffle.

“We were pen pals,” Dave clarified. “We started writing each other almost five years ago but this is the first time we’ve met in person.”

“Imagine my surprise when I show up and Dave is a Grade A stud,” Klaus said with his mouth full.

“I knew you’d be gorgeous,” Dave said. He hadn’t taken a single bite of his waffle, ignoring it in favour of watching Klaus eat his as an inhuman speed.

Allison smiled at them both. “That’s so cute, you guys. I’m so glad you found each other.”

Klaus began choking on the last bite of waffle. With tears in his eyes, he excused himself and ran to the bathroom.

“He’ll be okay,” Allison said. Dave had no doubts about that.

“You know, you’re my favourite sibling by far,” he told her.

Allison rolled her eyes. “Those boys are ridiculous. I could get rid of them for the day, if you want.”

It would be so easy to accept her offer, but Dave shook his head. “They mean well. I’ll do whatever I can to prove that I’ll take care of him.”

“What was it like?” Allison asked. “Getting to know him through letters?”

Dave frowned. It was something he thought of often, but it was something that never became easier to explain. “It wasn’t like reading a book, like you’d think. It was more like watching your favourite movie for the first time. The way you savour every scene and want to pause and think about it, but you’re too excited to see what happens next. Part way through you realize that what you have in front of you is something special and it gets overwhelming.”

“Are you in love with my Uncle Klaus?” Claire asked. Dave laughed. It was so much simpler when she said it.

“Yeah,” he said. Allison met his eyes with her own, deep and brown and sparkling. “Yeah I am.”

 

* * *

 

 

TIME: 12:00

LOCATION: FRONTIERLAND

After parting ways with Allison, Klaus deemed it time for a rollercoaster.

“I lust for an adrenaline rush,” he declared, skipping along the path towards Frontierland.

Dave jogged to catch up to him.

“You know, you should dress up as a cowboy sometime. It would be incredibly sexy. Sexier than God, anyways,” Klaus said. He caught Dave’s hand and lifted it to twirl himself. “You’re blushing! Gee, Dave, your letters convinced me you were such a flirt but you’re actually kind of shy!”

Dave twirled Klaus again. “I am. I just need the right person to open me up.”

“Oo-er, there’s the Davey I know and love.” He pulled them into line before Dave could freak out over his phrasing.

“Did you say I’m sexier than God?” he asked.

“Definitely. Man God, I mean. Not Little Girl God. We don’t sexualize children, even if they are omnipotent, ageless little punks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the comics, God is a cowboy, thus Dave in a cowboy getup would be "sexier than God".
> 
> Diego and Ben's chapter is next and they're going to get up to some serious shenanigans.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey Mouse says gay rights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to wait to post until I was done Ben's part but I got too excited because my brand of humor is basically just making Diego do ridiculous things.

TIME: 12:00

LOCATION: FRONTIERLAND

 

Diego was a man who had a lot of stamina. It was one of the things Eudora liked most about him. He could go all night. Ever since she yelled at him for doing a back flip and landing right on top of her evidence, the only thing he was doing at night was fighting crime. Eudora didn’t appreciate that near as much.

But still, Diego was a man with endurance.

He found out quickly that New York endurance is very different from California endurance. About an hour ago, the clouds parted and the sun emerged from its hazy cover, glaring down on him with an aggression that ignored the fact that he was in a leather suit. He was sweating profusely inside the suit and could feel the swass begin to gather.

Luckily, it was his new design, complete with zip-away legs. He zipped them off, attracting all sorts of jealous looks from tourists dressed in breezy t-shirts and shorts. He rolled up the pant legs and tucked them into his knife holsters.

“Mommy, why is there a leather daddy in Disneyland?” a passing child asked loudly, the way passing children often do.

The mother hurried the child away, looking fearfully at Diego. He didn’t know what a leather daddy was. He’d have to ask Ben when he got back.

Ben had disappeared about ten minutes ago, leaving Diego to wait in front of the shooting gallery like a child. He said he had a plan, and Diego trusted him. He was good at plans. Much better than Luther. Screw him.

So he waited, aggressively eating an ice cream cone and frowning at the kids shooting pretend rifles at tombstones. He wished he had his knives to show them how real men fight.

Then, a flash of gold caught his eye.

Klaus and his weird prison boyfriend were boarding the riverboat. Diego tossed his half eaten ice cream cone in the trash and bolted towards the dock. He could see the attendant reach for the chain to block off the boarding zone, but if he jumped it…

The Disney cast member hit him with an impressive block and he fell, skidding backwards on his ass across the wooden planks.

“I need to get on that boat,” he said menacingly.

“Sir, it isn’t safe to board at this point.”

“No, it isn’t safe to try and stop me.” By this point, the boat had pulled away from the dock and it began its lazy float around the Rivers of America.

“Sir, it’ll be back in like, ten minutes.”

“That might be too late.” Diego eyed up the water. He looked at the employee. She looked back at him.

“Please don’t,” she said helplessly, as Diego took a running start and did a perfect swan dive into the water.

The girl sighed and pulled the radio out of her skirt pocket. “Security to the Mark Twain Riverboat loading dock. We have another swimmer.”

 

* * *

 

The water was some of the most unpleasant water Diego had ever swum in. It was full of algae and coins, and he kept bumping into incredibly obese ducks that nipped at his fingers as he chased the boat. Luckily, it was on a track and it wasn’t moving very fast. He was still in sight of the loading dock when he caught up to it. There was an emergency maintenance ladder on the side, and he climbed up to the deck, dropping over the side. His suit squelched as he stood. Water poured out of the leg holes with each step, splattering the clean, white deck with filthy pond water.

“Skinny guy with sparkles. Deceptively handsome man in red pants. You seen ‘em?”

The terrified tourist nodded and pointed to the lower deck, where a live band was playing jazz music. Diego crept down the stairs silently, expecting a horrible visage of sexual deviance or murder. Instead, he found his brother dancing.

They were dancing together, alternating between doing some sort of deranged jive and going off and throwing their own, individual shapes on the dance floor. Children swarmed around them, inspired by their artistry. Diego made to go break up the festivities when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

A man stood behind him in an army uniform. “Don’t you dare go down there,” he said. He was giant and scary, but Diego would never admit that.

“That’s my brother,” he said, pointing towards Klaus, who was on his knees windmilling his arms, letting kids jump over them like a skipping rope.

“And that’s my daughter,” he said, pointing to a little girl who was laughing and skipping. “This is the first time she’s stopped crying all day. If you mess this up, I’ll hurt you bad.”

“You shouldn’t threaten people in Disneyland, you know,” Diego said, completely obtuse to the fact that he had done the same.

“I’ll threaten you all I want. She’s sad because her mom just died, you asshole!”

“Shit,” Diego said. He decided to be a better man and let it slide. “I’m sorry about her mom. I also love my mom.”

The army man squinted his eyes and lowered himself so he was face to face with Diego. “You better. I don’t have patience for men who don’t love their mothers.”

“Lucky for you I love my mother more than any other man.”

“How much is that?”

“More than I love oxygen,” Diego stated proudly. It was perhaps not the best statement considering he could hold his breath indefinitely, but it was certainly the most dramatic.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah,” Diego snarled. The giant man picked him up and tossed him overboard, and Dave and Klaus danced on.

 

TIME: 13:00

LOCATION: NEW ORLEANS SQUARE, IN LINE FOR THE HAUNTED MANSION

 

After the humbling display on the boat, Diego headed for the bathroom to use the blow dryer to dry off his beloved leather suit. He was met with a line extending farther back than that of any of the rides. Leaving the line in a huff, he settled for his second option: Disneyland shopping.

Ten minutes and about a quarter of his life savings later, Diego emerged from the store a new man. He was dressed inconspicuously in a bright red and white Mickey Mouse Hawaiian shirt and matching board shorts. He was still wearing his leather combat boots. He folded up his suit really small and stuffed it into one of the overlarge pockets on his shorts. It fit, but barely. It made a huge bulge on his leg that made him uncomfortable to look at. Instead, he tied the arms around his waist and made a cool improvised utility belt.

Looking around for Ben, Diego caught another glimpse of something sparkly disappearing into the line for Pirates of the Caribbean. He followed its trail, ducking in between tourists and shimmying under the ropes that marked the queue. Finally, he did a back flip right into the path of the sparkly offender.

“Hah!” he yelled, grabbing the sparkly pink ears off the head of their owner.

“Diego?” Allison didn’t sound impressed. He wondered why she wasn’t excited to see him until he realized he had just snatched Claire’s Minnie Mouse ears right off her head. Allison had clearly taught her the look of disbelief on her face. It matched her mother’s perfectly.

“Hi,” he said. He handed the ears back to Claire, who jammed them back on top of her curly hair before hiding behind Allison’s legs.

“Look, Claire! It’s Uncle Diego!”

Claire emerged, peering out from behind Allison’s legs and looking Diego up and down.

“Why aren’t you wearing your shiny bondage suit?”

“Claire!” Allison yelled, trying to look apologetic but failing completely. She dissolved into giggles.

“Really, Allison? That’s what you call my utility suit?”

Wiping tears from her eyes, Allison shook her head. “It’s what your ex calls it.”

“She’s not my ex!”

Allison shrugged. “She was when we went out.”

“I didn’t know you two were friends.”

Allison turned to hide her smirk.

“Wait, what do you mean you ‘went out’?”

She raised an eyebrow with a smile. “It wasn’t serious. We actually stayed in most nights.”

Diego slapped his hands over his ears.

“Before you ask, I don’t know where Klaus is. We had waffles with him and his boyfriend,” she explained. Diego was looking at her like she had just learned to read minds. “He’s happy, Diego. Five years ago we still thought he was going to kill himself on the streets. Now look at him! He’s doing well for himself. Don’t mess it up for him.”

Diego nodded. “You’re right. I won’t let that Dave guy mess up five years of hard work.”

He took off, vaulting over a low stone wall and sprinting away. Allison sighed.

“Why doesn’t Uncle Diego like Uncle Klaus’s boyfriend?” Claire asked. She grabbed onto Allison’s hand.

“Because sometimes Uncle Diego is a big dummy.” Claire giggled through the rest of the line up.

 

* * *

 

Dave was completely, utterly, hopelessly in love. He was having trouble walking in a straight line because he found himself constantly veering closer to Klaus. He normally would let himself wrap an arm around Klaus’s slim shoulders, lean in and kiss his cheek, share an ice cream cone… but he felt eyes on him everywhere he went. Klaus’s brothers seemed to pop up everywhere.

On the Mark Twain Riverboat, he was certain he saw Diego rise from the murky water like some leather-clad merman. When he leaned in to kiss Klaus’s cheek in front of the castle, he saw Ben, shaking his head and drawing a finger across his throat. Hell, he thought he’d be safe for a cuddle on It’s a Small World, but no. Nestled in among the singing dolls, Diego and Ben, poorly disguised as a French can-can girl and a little Dutch boy, respectively, sang along to the repetitive jingle. It was about the hundredth repetition, but Dave could hear the subtle variation in lyrics:

_Get your hands of our bro_

_Or we’ll kill you, you know_

_It’s a small world after all_

Or maybe he was just paranoid.

Either way, Dave had a desperate need to smooch his boyfriend and he needed to find someplace safe to do it. Someplace dark.

He pointed at the looming house in the distance.

“What do you think, hon?”

Klaus made a face. “I’d rather not. I see enough ghosts on a day-to-day basis. I don’t need to see 999 fake ones.”

“I was thinking more along the lines of it being a dark, spooky place where we’d be enclosed in our own doom buggy where no one can see us…”

“Ohh,” Klaus nodded in understanding. “Will you protect me from the big, scary ghosties?”

Dave laughed as Klaus pretended to swoon, falling into his arms. “You’ll be the one protecting me, I’m sure.”

 

* * *

 

Diego had them in his sights. The Disneyland train hadn’t come to a complete stop, but he stood up, letting his infra-red binoculars smack against his chest.

“Please sit down, sir,” the conductor pleaded. Diego ignored him and instead did a flip to dismount from his seat onto the ground below the platform. He landed in a crouch with the binoculars in his hand. He saw them disappear into the Haunted Mansion, ushered in by sombre cast members. He jogged towards the building, cutting past the line and pushing into the next Stretching Room.

While the ride began its introduction, Diego paced back and forth, willing the doors to open so he could catch up to Klaus. A stampede of young Goths overtook him when the door opened and he was pushed back against the wall.

“Oof,” he said. Something was digging into his back. He turned and discovered a doorknob to a disguised door. Waiting until the Gothic teenagers had stomped past in their black and white striped Creepers, he opened the door and slipped inside.

“You can’t be in here,” a disgruntled employee said through a bite of sandwich. “Also please don’t tell anyone I’m eating in here. I’m so hungry. I’ve been watching these screens all day and my co-worker no-showed so I have no relief.”

Diego thought on his feet. “I’m your co-worker. I’m filling in.”

The employee clearly didn’t believe him, but stuffed the rest of his sandwich in his mouth and vacated the only chair.

“This button stops the ride. This button is for the lights. Here’s the intercom. Don’t use it.” He left, crumbs trailing behind him as he muttered about unions and the tyranny of the Mouse.

Diego peered at each screen until he located his deceptive brother. It was hard to see him since his boyfriend was clearly trying to eat his face in the séance room. They were wrapped up so tightly together that they looked like one person on the monitor. With a fire behind his eyes, Diego slammed the ‘stop’ button and the ride slowed to a halt. He hit another button at random just because it had a little joystick next to it. It was a spotlight. Excellent.

He swivelled the light to it was shining right into the eyes of his brother and his probable-future-murderer-boyfriend. Without missing a beat, Diego flicked on the intercom.

“Get your hands off my brother, you pervert!” he shouted. The sound echoed through the halls of the Haunted Mansion. The monitor was too low quality to see Klaus roll his eyes, but Diego felt the aura of annoyance penetrate the screen.

“Let me make out with my boyfriend, Diego!” Klaus yelled into the void as Madame Leota floated on, calling for music.

Another voice chimed in from a neighbouring doom buggy. “Madame Leota says gay rights!” she yelled.

“Mickey Mouse says gay rights!” another voice shouted.

“What about trans rights!?” someone questioned.

“Goofy says trans rights!”

Diego was getting flustered. “I say gay rights, too!” he yelled, “I’m just trying to protect my brother!”

It was too late. The entire row of ride cars was now yelling about Elsa saying lesbian rights and debating whether Scar or Jafar were better representatives of Evil Gay Rights. Diego pressed the red button, starting the ride again. He figured he should just get them out of the dark and back in public as soon as possible.

Defeated, he exited the security room, only to be met with a pair of people dressed like normal tourists. They were holding silver badges with an outline of Mickey Mouse on them.

“Disneyland secret police,” the woman said. “You’re coming with us.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I love and appreciate every single comment I get. 
> 
> There'll be 3 or 4 parts to this which will include mucho amounts of smooching and end in banging in the Cinderella suite at the Disneyland Hotel (sorry Mickey)


End file.
